I missed the delivery of my iPhone. I should have had it sent to work, but sometimes work deliveries do not go the way I want them to so I figured it would be easier to just have it sent home where my wife would be able to sign for the package. She was out with the kids when it was delivered so I called UPS. They gave me a time between 7:30-8:30PM and said to stop by the depot in Watertown and get my phone. They made it sound like a breeze.
It was a dark and stormy night. I pulled up to the depot and saw approximately 80 people already in line through the monsoon-like downpour. I parked my car around the corner because the street parking was full. I walked up to the giant warehouse with brown delivery trucks and tractor-trailers zipping by and pulling past the gate into the vast garages. The warehouse was corralled by a giant fence with an open gate where trucks pulled in and out of the driveway. Next to the gate is a guard house where civilians and employees can enter the facility. The line began at the guard house and sloppily snaked down the sidewalk.
I got there around 7:45 and the line was not budging. I saw my co-worker Andie near the front and figured she could use some company. None of us knew what was going on or how things would work, we just knew that we had received calls from UPS that told us to be there and that our phones were supposed to be waiting for us (and that it was raining). We started talking about how we thought things might work while a woman behind us who would later become known as Cat Lady chimed in in a slightly British accent. She was short, plump and bespectacled, with grayish, Brillo-y curls and a mousy look. She would become the most annoying person in the world.
A real Boston man emerged from inside the guard house. He explained to us that his name was Joe, that he was the supervisor (the supah’ visah) and that he was going start getting people their phones by address. Because of the extremely high volume of iPhones purchased and the fact that all of them were shipping on this rainy Friday, UPS drivers were working overtime so in spite of the fact that they told us our phones would be there between 7:30 and 8:30, many were still out on trucks. The weather, a thick, New England rain with soupy, cool fog was further aggravating the situation.
UPS Joe
Back to Joe. Picture a cross between Dennis Leary and Kevin Bacon. Joe is a leader, a guy who gets things done. He can control a crowd and his combination of brash Boston accent, quick decision-making and sense of humor immediately earned him the respect of the crowd. He started reading off addresses from his clipboard which he held up over his head angled so the rain would slide off the glossy back.
Now at this point, the line is meandering down the street so only a few of us can hear him. Naturally, selfish people are walking up and starting to ask him personal questions. Cat Lady cannot help herself from asking if any of the phones are from Newton. She asks about every 5 addresses. At one point I hear her mutter that she cannot believe her cat is home alone. Poor Mittens! That’s when I told Andie we were calling her Cat Lady. Joe actually begins to answer a few of the questions which delays getting down the list. Enter The Teacher. Teacher takes the list and at the top of her lungs starts reading and checking off addresses as people emerge from the line. Joe takes this opportunity to take a step back and come up with a better plan. Cat Lady and The Teacher have an argument. Cat Lady mumbles more under her breath and begins pacing. Somewhere in Newton, Mittens is enjoying a relaxing evening alone.
So the people who emerge from the line are instructed to line up on the other side of the fence and talk to Other Joe. Other Joe is a bit like Cliff Clavin, but he’s not nearly as sharp. He generally emerges from the warehouse with one box at a time and generally seems to be doing more harm than good in the situation. He’s slow, friendly and inefficient. He has a small flashlight that from time to time he shines on Joe’s list. Joe cracks a glaring smile with a laugh and head shake each time he does. There’s also a ginormous man named Little John who is big, but is not very strong handling too many directions in sequence. Other Joe and Little John are not doing things to boss Joe’s liking so he talks to them about what to do and then grabs a yellow mail crate. He comes back into the crowd and extracts the list from The Teacher’s hand, much to her chagrin. He thanks her, stands on “the golden podium of hope” and explains that he will be the one reading addresses. In between each address, Cat Lady starts to ask if he will read any addresses from her town. After the 5th or 6th time, everyone starts to get annoyed. She proclaims that she cannot bear to be without her poor kitty much longer. I start a small campaign for finding her package first. Each time Joe finishes reading a list, he goes back into the warehouse to create a new list. When he returns and puts his podium down, people get excited. Every time I see a plastic yellow bin from here on out, I am going to start to hope that person has my iPhone. Pavlov’s dog, baby! On the third list, Joe triangulated my house. He read off so many addresses in my neighborhood that I was certain mine would be called. No dice.
If your address is called, go into the line and give your ID to Little John. Victorious people are high-fiving a head shaking, but slightly amused Joe as they blissfully hand their IDs to Little John and Other Joe who go into the warehouse and emerge, with one box each time. They go through the proper carding procedure, but there are times when people are in the guard house with their box and somehow their IDs are still in the warehouse. There was a lot of wacky juggling happening and finally they decided that people did not need to give up their IDs to have a box leave the warehouse, just needed to show it to have them leave the grounds.
At around 8:45, Andie decides she has had enough and that she may come back later. She had been there since 7:00 so I tell her that I’ll post to her Facebook wall when they call her address. Sure enough, they call hers at 9:00, but it turns out it does not matter because it just means they have found your phone, not that it is at the guard post. It starts to rain again so I decide to go into the building.
Now recall that I mentioned that this building is a guard outpost which means there is a security guard and 2 metal detectors inside the hut. It’s designed to fit maybe 5 people comfortably and there are at least 20 people inside. Smell your neighbor! Make a new friend. Now people are piling into the guard tower not only because this is ultimately where they get their phones, but also because it has started raining. That’s when I met Blondie and The Dude. Blondie was the name she called herself. She told me that she saw Channel 4 on the scene and that she was inside trying to stay off camera. The Dude wore a classic Patriots hat with an Italy soccer sweatshirt that went surprisingly well together. He has been in the guard house for a while and has started to, in semi-good nature, disparage the operation. He reminded me of Fitzy. The Dude and Blondie are up against the wall. There is a chair also against the wall. The Dude starts making fun of the security guard who takes the chair back behind the desk. The Dude waits until the security guard sits down and moves the chair back into the line. At this point I think it’s probably wise to start distancing myself from The Dude.
“Don’t make him shoot you bro.” I say.
The Dude says “he doesn’t have a gun.”
Me: “He might have a taser!”
Dude: “I’ve been tased before. It’s not so bad.”
Me: “The good news is that he ordered his taser and was not home. He’s not only a security guard, he’s also in line for his package.”
Blondie: “There should be an app that tells you when your package gets here.”
Me: “There is. The good news is that he doesn’t have his taser now. The bad news is that he will get it with plenty of time to charge it before you ever get your phone Dude.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I see security guard crack a smile.
In the meantime Andie has returned with her boyfriend. She tweets me to let me know that Cat Lady finally has her phone, but not before annoying every last person. Andie is concerned because the address on her license is not the same as the one on her package. Somehow someone emerges with her phone and her boyfriend persistently reminds them that they are there and that they could leave with the phone. She gets her phone and everyone cheers. “I can’t believe you got a 4s before me Andie!” I joke. She goes home to try her luck with the activation servers (which have been jammed all day) and to see if she can see us on Channel 4.
Harvard guy gets his iPhone. Then Birthday Girl’s name is called. She must have told us 20 times that it was her birthday. It was probably her 25th birthday, but on her way out we gave here a “Happy 39th”. I looked at Blondie and told her we were not singing Happy Birthday. Joe starts taking down the addresses of people who are in the guard station and says he’ll personally go look for them. We grab the list and write down our own addresses as Joe is being distracted by people with questions that anyone in the world could have answered. The tortoise-like people in the bunker write their addresses down while setting off the metal detectors approximately every 120 seconds. This provides endless material for The Dude. The guy from 138 Bigelow St was called in the second round. His phone was sitting on the counter. His ID however was lost with Other Joe in the warehouse. Poor guy. He just stood there staring at his phone, making sure no one else took it while they attempted to retrieve his ID.
About 15 minutes after the we write down the list of numbers, Little John comes back into the guard shack and puts down a handful of boxes. I start looking at the addresses and proclaim “OH MY GOD THAT’S MINE!”. I get out my ID (no WAY I’m letting someone take it to the warehouse, I learned from Bigelow who got his phone and ID back just 2 minutes ago.) Little John looks at me and says: “I think I’ll take this one home.” I look at everyone and say “I’m not going to argue with him.” He decides maybe he will let me have my phone, signs me out, grabs the package back from me and laughs, then hands it to me. I tell Blondie it’s been real and tell The Dude not to get tased. I leap out of the door squealing “I’m FREEEEEEEEE”! It’s now 10:45PM.
Thank you UPS for going out of your way and outside your process so a bunch of angry (and in my case, really amused) iPhone zealots and newbies could get their phones.
